An Outlandish Journey

 Because I was a child when we got 'engaged' in some kind of ritual...  Because my mother did all the arranging... Because it was a secret...  Because my dad probably opposed it... Because the doctors wiped my memory... Because my mother was much closer to his ideal woman and I was just a miniature version of her... Because at 14 I was quite immature even for my age... Because no one thought to ask me... Because in the fairy tales the princess generally keeps her mouth shut but I disobeyed the rule and had to be silenced... Because the event was so traumatic I split off and created an alter that remembered past lives while blanking out this one... It was a classic Double Bind situation where what was said contradicted what I knew to be real. " a psychological predicament in which a person receives from a single source conflicting messages that allow no appropriate response to be made"

When I came across this video in 2020   https://youtu.be/tp5onz4dW04 It's a precise depiction of our summers in Canada in the early 60s. The scenery, the people, the corn roasts, the wharf, the church suppers, the clothing and hairstyles. The lyrics... are exactly the conversation that we would have had, if there had been a conversation. But others did all the talking apparently and the girl was not included. No one thought to ask her if she knew their plan for her.  Without a doubt this is the craziest thing I ever heard of, but it happened.  In Mohawk there is no word for "I apologize" -- there is only "I will make this right." If I had known, I would have got down to business and making it right. But (as I have explained) they made it impossible for me to know anything. Too many cooks spoil the soup 😋

You can add your name in the comments. Or remain anonymous. I'm not sharing the link with anyone. I'm writing this for the purpose of self-discovery. And to make peace with my ancestors. That's the best I can hope for. I'm also doing it to repair broken or damaged relationships with everyone affected by the catastrophic decisions of the past. Most of the time we just go along with what we're told to do. I am trying to become conscious of my own role in this story.  It's not so simple. I was given a choice before I was even aware of the stakes. "True character is revealed by choices made under pressure." -- Robert McKee In my case, the choice had repercussions far beyond anything I could have imagined. 

I  befriended a new old Greek word: Anamnesis: or Recovered memory A teachable moment  together with the Mohawk  Gayanashagowa or Great Law of Peace

I admit to not buying or paying much attention to this album in 2005 when it appeared. I was attempting to salvage my life by moving to Greece as an old lady in my 50s. In light of what I now know, I realize I should have listened more carefully. But lacking knowledge of the real background, I would not have understood what Mick was going through - or at least I wouldnt have connected his pain to me.  I'm not the girl (s) in these songs - but "Laugh, I thought I'd die" has a special resonance today. Everyone in this story is a victim. We all walk the streets of love in a daze of misunderstanding.  When I was 26 someone - Ken Hertz, a survivor of childhood Experiments at McGill -- took me to New York for my birthday. We spent the weekend there - it was early April, cold and rainy. It was supposed to be a "life changing experience" for me - that's how it was presented by the friend who insisted on paying for my trip. It was so out of character of him that

  Happy Birthday, Mick!

July 25, 2022 Dear Ann, Your beloved Rolling Stones are supporting NATO. Surely you must have known that they would after they supported the lockdown, etc.? Check your twitter account.  Max Blumenthal on Twitter: "“You can’t always get US boots on the ground, but if you try sometimes, you just might get $40 billion in military aid”" / Twitter It's so sad what's happened to you since 2019 & you listened to my podcast with Jasun Horsley and decided you thought it was a good idea to tack on parts of my life story (being in London's music scene at age 12) to your MK Ultra narrative. What's happened to me in the meantime is that I've come to the conclusion that the *entire* British Invasion has absolutely no importance whatsoever. I've been completely disabused of all interest in it. It was merely part of the cover-up of the assassination of JFK, and of course it helped lead to the perverted state we're in today. What convinced me especially of this

My mother enrolled me in after school ballet class not because she wanted me to become a ballerina but so I would develop grace and poise while improving my posture since being tall for my age I had a tendency to slump. She thought ballet would cure me of slouching and make me less shy. And possibly the psychiatrists recommended it. Because she had paid for my lessons, my mother believed I was taking ballet after school once a week.  I went to the first classes and learned the basics: first position, second position, arabesque, plier etc To be honest I don't think I attended more than two or three classes.  I was supposed to have skipped Grade Two altogether which would have meant going straight into Grade Three from Grade One. But at the same time my parents had enrolled me in a classified program downtown.  It was those McGill psychiatrists who had paid my parents $3000 two years earlier for my participation in their experiment. They owned the rights to my life but my parents had

  I taught myself the Russian alphabet and then Mick Jagger came to my house and asked me to marry him but I turned him down because I was shy and I don't really know him ... All sold out i'd never seen A mind so tangled, a girl so strangled All sold out well i felt so green It was just like that I was put down flat I was sold out just like that Oh baby (All Sold Out - Jagger/Richards) Imagine how it would feel waking up on a Monday morning having had time over the weekend to mull over the fact you had turned down a marriage proposal from Mick Jagger and spent the weekend afterwards being electroshocked -  The psychiatrists and my mother once again agreed the best approach would would be to wipe that memory, leaving me with a clean slate to start my life over, if that was even possible.  When my classmate Irene Shanefield regaled us that Monday with her account of the Rolling Stones show on Friday night I had no reaction except a slight pang of envy that her older brother Harve

How to thrive while living with negation  ... My mother made a terrible mistake in the fall of 1962. She had suffered for years in her marriage. My dad wasn't physically violent just emotionally abusive. We tiptoed around him because of his explosive temper which anything might set off. While he yelled at us kids for minor infractions, against our mother he used the silent treatment, often not speaking to her for weeks on end. In October 1962 he went on a hunting trip over Thanksgiving - an annual rite for him and a group of his pals from Ontario. Our lives were easier and more harmonious until he came home. That year he shot a deer and carved it up on the kitchen table with a hack saw. The bundles of venison ended up in the basement freezer wrapped in newspaper. My parents were no longer sharing the master bedroom as a couple - this strange arrangement had been going on for months. At first my brother had moved into my mother's bed, while my mother occupied his little room dow