As tears go by

-

 

For the past 3 years I have been piecing together what happened to me as a child
I was not placed in a box and buried in an unmarked grave but my memory was deleted
This means I missed the love of my life
This makes me act and feel like a narcissist
But when you're the victim of a crime you have to focus on what happened to you in the first place
The truth matters

I can trace it back now to our first meetings
I can now recollect a trail of events, a chain of cause and effect
Beginning in early childhood when I was taken to hospital and put in an LSD experiment at age 4 then bought for experimentation by Dr Cameron at McGill
Every step of the way they drugged or shocked me so I would not know what was happening or remember details 

They erased my trail of breadcrumbs with drugs like:

Ether
LSD

And likely electroshock

At my first party I met Mike who protected me from the older boys
To my mother it appeared he loved me but I was a child and they gave us candies and Kool aid laced with acid
I totally forgot that children's party and the trip in the limo
Later I had no memory of the summer school in Toronto and our "summer romance" 

I misunderstood what I was involved in even when carrying out missions like my trip to London  at 12

I now believe I may have been engaged to marry him when I grew up but I was never informed of this arrangement

My mother did her best to prepare me, short of telling me the plan

They erased my memory of his visit to our house in April 1965 when I was 14

Our handlers decided to drop me as I was clearly not mature enough and he went on to have glamorous girlfriends who were models and singers

I was never told anything - I was being trained as a mind controlled courier

In my daily life I was groomed to be quiet academic plain and career-oriented - a goody two-shoes.


I forgot everything connected to Mike except for seeing him on TV - the first time I felt vague recognition, but that impressions soon dissolved in the wave of school girl hysteria that engulfed my generation


My mother did her best but she was up against my programming which left me with amnesia for basic facts of my own life.

She once referred to my "inferiority complex" in 1963 but it was really a cognitive defect. I didn't remember important details.

His changes of appearance and style also interfered with my memory early on, along with the general secrecy of this project -


Other people over the years knew about Mick and me, and tried to tell me. Spiritual teachers, mentors, and older survivors of Subproject 68...


There are strong disincentives to being involved with a pop star - either you're labeled a groupie or you're seen as delusional -  eg. when I went out with Leonard Cohen some people accused me of "stalking" him although he initiated the relationship and defended it in the beginning - I was the one who broke it off so as not to have to deal with his circle of friends and hangers-on.

One feels isolated and helpless to cope with the jealousy that swirls around entertainers - and I was never involved in fan culture so didn't understand the game.

With Mick over the years I have misunderstood or ignored him because he was just too famous and I had no sense of having had a history with him. Often in my mind our conversations made little sense as I came to believe I was in touch with a string of impersonators, or the target of some prank.

I have hurt his feelings so often he doesn't trust me

It is the evening of the day. I need to figure out the truth. Often I am just guessing or reasoning backwards in a near vacuum

That's why I have to write out the story in on chronological order as pieces of it come to me.

I am doing this on my own without any support whatsoever. It would be nice to have a therapist or intelocutor. instead I am writing it as a movie.


Comments

  1. Driving the Trance CanadaAugust 10, 2022 at 3:01 AM

    , "Lama Norbu" fills a tea cup with tea and then proceeds to smash it. He observes that the tea cup is certainly not a tea cup any longer, but the tea that was inside is definitely still tea, weather it be on the ground, the table or soaked up into the cloth.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beast

-
But b efore I forget  Leaving Rock Dreams I entered the Twilight Zone of Covid quarantines and bans on travel. I holed up in a motel and then a trailer park next door to the Rockies with only tree planters and bears as neighbors. I continued receiving messages from "Mick Jagger" or his proxies, or people posing as Mick to defraud me of my pension.  I also got more sincere-sounding personal texts, inviting me to join his extended family Finally, in frustration, I gave up. I said "You don't understand-- I don't remember you. I can't pretend I do. I don't." After that, all messages stopped and for months there was an eerie silence. I had punctured the membrane that held our whole world in a soft embrace. I had exposed the truth about myself: that I was a zombie victim of childhood brainwashing. Not exactly crazy, just totally missing from the scene of my whole life. I had never understood a single word of a single song directed at me, or my mother. Not
Read more

Letter from A Friend #2

-
Image
  Dear Ann, I've heard a more recent podcast by you talking about your family. Here's the quote: "The connections are all there, if people want to find them, you know. I can just talk & talk, um, you know. And I'm not going to get into the rock star (laughs) aspect of it, but that's part of it.  And my father was a musician and he was a music teacher in Montreal and he knew people in the jazz scene. He knew Oscar Peterson, and so on. He knew Maynard Fergusson early, people in the jazz scene. He also had a brother who worked in Chicago in & Detroit with black entertainers. So my family were positioned to be part of the music (um, ah) arm, (laughs) the musical arm.  And there were rock stars being programmed at McGill when I was there. And it's just part of our, you know, our youth rebellion. Psychedelic culture was a controlled, in many ways, a controlled military program and kids were flown around. Kids who were chosen, for example, in the UK could be f
Read more

On the Beach

-
Image
It has taken me years to realize I may have had another life that got erased. To say it was stolen from me by the doctors, is maybe an exaggeration or distortion. It was a combination of circumstances and choices that were made without anyone consulting me, which culminated in some kind of massive memory loss, similar to what was done to my father. Probably dad and I bonded over our shared amnesia. He would have known at least a part of the truth --  which had to be kept hidden from me for my own protection. So her and I almost never talked even during long hours in the country or in the car driving to school and back.  Probably it just boils down to the fact that I was too young to do what was set out for me by my elders. I was too shy and insecure and also too stubborn to play my part. Before my 14th birthday I at least had a chance at connecting with the boy of my dreams -- but by the time he showed up he was unrecognizable to the little mermaid who had known him as a young boy. T
Read more